This is it!

We found out last week that IUI #4 was not successful, and we are officially moving forward with IVF. On Thursday when I got the negative HCG result, I felt really down. Not because I was expecting it to be positive, but because it became very real that we are about to give it our final shot! We are moving on to our last resort - our last chance at having a biological child. We can’t afford more than one round of iVF. “This is it. This is it,” I just kept saying it over and over. If this doesn’t work, a biological child is likely not in our future. By the end of this calendar year, we will know one way or the other.

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On Friday, I had a good cry about it all. I had to let it out! I haven’t had a really good ugly-cry in a while, so I guess I was due. It’s just all so overwhelming. Over the weekend I took some time to really wrap my mind around what’s about to go down. Today... right now… I’m feeling good; I’m hopeful! After all, the chances of success with IVF are much better than with IUI (55% vs. 15% respectively).

I am trying my damnedest to stay positive and not get ahead of myself. I have a [bad] habit of thinking 10 steps ahead. I want to be mentally and emotionally prepared for every possible outcome. I often ask, “what if?” when I should really be focusing on right now. Currently, I’m grappling with feelings of shame and guilt. IF we don’t have a biological child, I will feel so ashamed... like I’ve failed my family… and worst, I’ll feel like I’ve failed Mike. I also wonder about my sense of self. Who am I if I’m not a mother? What is my purpose? Why am I here?

Back in May, we had a detailed IVF consultation with our RE. I will be on an estrogen-primed antagonist protocol (exactly as I predicted). She explained that due to my low ovarian reserve, she will be happy if we retrieve 10 eggs and end up with 2-3 embryos (1 to transfer, hopefully 2 to freeze). We will be doing ICSI, but not PGD. She explained that she doesn’t recommend PGD for patients our age. We’re ok with this, especially since PGD would have cost approximately $5,000 more!

I’m currently on cycle day 3, and received my official protocol yesterday. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but seemed manageable once I sorted everything out. I made a special Google calendar that will help me remember which meds to take each day. I can do this! I'm ready to do this!

Thanks to my awesome mom, I’m doing acupuncture twice a week. I’m also doing yoga in the mornings, working out a few times a week, eating well and taking steps to reduce stress. I’m doing whatever I can to help the baby-making process, and the rest is in God’s hands. I have to keep reminding myself that He would not have placed in me this intense desire to be a mama if He didn’t intend on it happening. It’s just a matter of how and when… He will reveal His plan in time, so I must be patient and have faith.

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Quoted: “Faith does not make things easy, it makes them possible.” Luke 1:37

Listen In: “The Stable Song” by Gregory Alan Isakov