I try not to think about it

Last year around this time, we had only been trying to conceive for about 7 months. Back then, when I saw sonograms, newborns or gender reveals, I would think to myself, “I can’t wait to have that. I can’t wait to tell the world that we’re expecting a baby! I can’t wait to be a mommy and make Mike a daddy!” But now… I wonder, “Will I ever have that? Will I ever know the joy of carrying a baby for nine months? Will I ever be a mommy and will I ever be able to make Mike a daddy?” more

When I became pregnant in June of last year, for a brief moment, I believed all of those dreams would come true. On July 8, those dreams shattered into a million pieces. The miscarriage was devastating, but when it was over, I was hopeful. After all, miscarriage is so common. There were stories everywhere about women miscarrying their first and then going on to have a successful pregnancy within a few months. My doctor was also optimistic. I am healthy and my cycle is like clockwork. There was no reason I shouldn’t be pregnant again by Thanksgiving. But that didn’t happen… and now here we are in May (3 days after Mother’s Day) and IUI #3 was not successful.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting a positive pregnancy test from this cycle. And even though I had a feeling that I wasn’t pregnant, I still cried when I got my results. We will try one more IUI; during this fourth and final IUI cycle, we will meet with our doctor to discuss IVF in detail. Honestly, I’m just ready to take the next step. I feel like these IUIs are just a waste of time and energy. I’m not expecting IUI #4 to be any different from 1, 2 and 3. Some may think I’m being negative, but I call it being realistic. I’m very familiar with my diagnosis and I know that an IUI is likely not the answer. When we move on to IVF, I will likely be more optimistic… but cautiously optimistic.

Mother’s Day was weird, but good overall. My mom came over and hung out for a few hours. It was nice to sit by the pool and chat.

My sweet best friend sent this to me:

This small gesture means so much! Even though you can’t see my child, I am a mother. My baby is a beautiful angel in Heaven keeping watch over Mike and me, and we will all be together someday.

I try not to think back to last summer. It hurts too much. I think of the hope that was lost when the baby was taken. I remember the awful pain of the miscarriage. I remember being at the ER… alone... 2 days before thinking, “Everything is fine.” I was in denial. I remember taking a shower and crying until I had no more tears; it was terrible. I remember going to the doctor that morning… alone… and the receptionist looking at me and saying, “You don’t look like you feel good.” (No shit, bitch! I just lost my baby!) I remember telling my parents and my best friend. I dreaded telling my in-laws, so Mike told them. I remember going on a trip with our friends the very next day and keeping all of this bottle up inside… I just wanted to fall to my knees and cry and ask God, “Why?! What did I do to deserve this?!” I remember ALL of it so vividly. So I try not to think about it…

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Quoted: “Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams die, Life is a broken-winged bird, That cannot fly.” ― Langston Hughes

Listen In: "Blackbird" by The Beatles