Dreams
- Jess
- Mar 13, 2016
- 3 min read
I’ve been having crazy vivid dreams lately. I know a lot of people say that vivid dreams are a good sign; I dreamt a shit-ton when I was pregnant last summer (before the miscarriage). My most recent dream however was that AF arrived. Now I can’t shake the feeling that the IUI wasn’t successful.more
I’ve been trying to keep myself busy all weekend. We just bought a house in November, so there’s always something to do. On top of that, we’re hosting 7 house guests this upcoming weekend - friends from Florida are journeying up to good ol' GA for a kickball tourney. I’ve been running around like a crazy person getting everything ready for their arrival on Friday. It will be really nice to see everyone, but it will totally suck if I find out Thursday that the IUI wasn’t successful. Just gonna have to grin and bear it if that’s the case (which I’m all too familiar with… I had to “grin and bear it” when we went to Colorado the day after I miscarried - yea, it sucked).
I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard. Because of all the failed cycles, I’ve learned not to get my hopes up and to not think too much about symptoms I may or may not have. Until peeing on a stick results in a positive or a blood test shows that I’m pregnant, there’s no point in worrying about symptoms. It’s a waste of time.
In addition to this dreadful two week wait, I found out that a close friend "accidentally" got pregnant. She's young, been with the dude maybe 3 months, living at home with her parents... And how do you accidentally get pregnant?! We all know how our bodies work at this point. And we know how to prevent from getting pregnant. There are numerous forms of birth control, so I don't buy that she "accidentally" got pregnant. Either she wasn't being responsible (didn't use birth control) or she was trying to get pregnant.
It pisses me off when stuff like this happens. Mike and I have worked so hard to create a life for our family where we can financially support our children, provide them a safe and loving home in a great neighborhood and school district… we have great jobs, fantastic health insurance and family close by to help when needed. Everything is just right… yet we are not being granted the blessing of a baby?! I just don’t understand; it makes no sense. It feels like we’re being punished or picked on! And it doesn’t help when people say things like…
Your time will come.
God has perfect timing.
It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.
(and the worst!) Everything happens for a reason.
I know people mean well when they say these things, but if one more fucking person says this shit to me, I may scream. I can’t anymore… I just can’t.
My 30th birthday is in two weeks. We’re having a small gathering the Saturday before, and my mom has invited Mike and me to Easter lunch that Sunday with my step-dad’s family. While all of this sounds quite nice, I just don’t know if I’m going to feel up to being around people and socializing.
See… the thing about being around acquaintances rather than close friends who know your situation is that when someone asks, “How are you?” you’re expected to say “Great” and proceed with telling them about the fun, awesome things going on in your life. But with me… right now… when someone asks, “How are you?” I either want to cry or simply say “Not great.” But that’s super fucking awkward and off-putting and makes people uncomfortable. (This recently happened at a work function and it was so embarrassing! Fortunately, the girl I said it to is super cool and was so understanding when I later apologized.) So instead of feeling like I’m “faking it” and potentially creating an awkward situation from which I want to quickly flee, I’d rather just stay home. It’s no fun being around the sad girl… and right now, I’m the sad girl.
Quoted: “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
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