I hate tests.

Fertility Test Results

Over the past couple of weeks, Mike and I have undergone some fertility testing to try to determine why we don’t have a bun in the oven yet. My OB/GYN explained that there are 4 possible reasons why we’re not getting pregnant; those reasons and how they’re addressed are:

1. Hormonal - day 3 blood work to test my hormone levels

2. Anatomical - FemVue procedure to check my ovaries, uterus and Fallopian tubes

3. Semen - analyze Mike’s swimmers

4. Unknown

The answers from the various tests should help determine the best course of action. more

Last Friday, my doctor called with my day 3 lab results. Everything came back normal, but she was still waiting on one more test to come back - she didn’t seem too concerned about it. Yesterday, I received a voicemail from her saying that the results for the last test were in and that we’d chat about them during my FemVue procedure. Que the worry…. If the test came back normal, she would have just said so on the voicemail (like she did on Friday), right? I tried my best not to think about it. Easier said than done.

So today, Mike took me for my FemVue procedure. I’m on the table with my feet in the stirrups and there’s Mike to my left looking totally weirded out. On top of that, as soon as my doctor walked in, she said to Mike, “Oh! I was just reviewing your semen analysis. So nice to put a face to the sperm!” Bahahah! LOL! Mike turned a shade of red I’ve never seen! He was so incredibly embarrassed and it was GREAT! I got a kick out of it (gotta get ‘em somewhere these days).

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the FemVue, here’s the deal:

It’s like an ultrasound with a few more steps. The goal is to check out the state of your ovaries, uterus and fallopian tubes. They do this by inserting a thin flexible catheter into the opening of the cervix (ouch!). The doctor then pushes sterile saline/air mixture through the catheter into the uterus and fallopian tubes where so she can watch bubbles flow through the fallopian tubes to make sure they’re open. She also checks the size of your ovaries and the condition of your uterus.

It feels like one long, intense period cramp (double ouch!). It’s not fun. After the procedure, most women take the rest of the day off (I took the whole day off). I got lightheaded afterward (not uncommon for me) and had to lay on the table for a few minutes. Otherwise, it was uncomfortable, but fine. The FemVue was successful and my ovaries, uterus and Fallopian tubes are all in good shape. Hooray!

After the FemVue though, my doctor finally told me the results of the last day 3 lab test. She said that my AMH levels came back low. She explained that a normal AMH level for a woman my age is 2; my AMH level is only 0.52. She continued to explain that a woman’s AMH levels help determine her “ovarian reserve.” In a nutshell, it means I’m not producing many eggs. She then said, “This is the one thing we cannot fix. Time is of the essence so I’m sending you straight to a fertility specialist.”

This freaked me the hell out!! What do you mean we can’t fix it? I’m only 29 years old! Why is my ovarian reserve so low?! So now on top of the threat of HPV re-emerging, I’m running out of eggs?!?!? Fuckity fuck fuck!

When we left the appointment, I asked Mike how he felt about everything and he said, “I’m staying positive. No one has told us yet that we can’t have a baby, so I’m staying positive.” I wish I could be more like him… he’s so level-headed and strong when I’m spinning out of control and ready to crumble into the floor and cry. He truly is my rock and I would not have made it this far without him.

I went home that evening and did a shit-ton of online research about AMH levels. My findings weren’t positive. I found out that it’s like I have the ovarian reserve of an average woman in her 40s. I’m 29 working with the ovarian reserve of a 45 year old?! Seriously?! Am I being punk’d?! People kept saying, “You have plenty of time,” but come to find out, time is the one thing I don’t have! Here’s some more info about AMH levels.

Tonight I broke down… and hard. I was a sobby, snotty mess. I just don’t understand…. I don’t understand why this is happening to us. I don’t understand why I have such an intense desire/want/need to be a mom, yet it doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us. Is this a sign? Am I missing something? Are we supposed to be childless? And if so, why do I want a baby so badly? None of it makes sense! And it’s not fucking fair. People who don’t even want children have babies all the time. Life is a fucking bastard and I just don’t get it. Can we PLEASE get a fucking break here?!

After my breakdown, Mike just held me. Having his arms wrapped around me is always exactly what I need. There was no talking, just love and support that is constant, steadfast and intense. He is my safe place; he is home.

We will be meeting with a fertility specialist on February 10 to discuss our situation and determine a course of action. From what I’ve read, the specialist may try a few rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination), but because of my low AMH levels, it may be more beneficial to move directly to IVF (in vitro fertilization). But who knows…. This is just speculation based on what I’ve read online.

I’m trying to keep my head up. It’s hard to stay positive, but I’ve been reading IUI/IVF success stories. There are people all around the world who have beautiful babies because of science. This can work. This can work! This has to work. This HAS to work...

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Quoted: “Tough times don’t last, tough people do.” - Robert H. Schuller

Listen In: “Coming Home” by Leon Bridges